What area of my life do I struggle with believing I'm good enough?
Tough question! There are several, but my role as a mother is probably the greatest of all.
Sometimes I fear that I have no idea what I'm doing as a mother. My beautiful son has autism and at times it can be very hard to determine what's best for him. I am currently homeschooling him after having experienced an extremely unpleasant kindergarten year and watching him struggle as well. The very first week of school he came home with a knot the size of a baseball on his head because he was banging his head in the floor in frustration and no one stopped him. It happened on carpet and he had the carpet burns to prove it. That passed, but we just never could get his environment right for him, though we tried. Oh, how we tried! Still, there are always the questions that can haunt me a little too often. How much therapy is enough? How much is too much? Should I try school again? Am I isolating him too much here, even though he is learning so much more? He is six and he still needs me to stay with him until he falls asleep. Is that my fault? The list goes on and on and ON! It's never ending. The pressure can feel extreme at times. The thought of being in charge of my precious boy's future possibilities is terrifying. No matter how many books I read, parenting classes I attend, or how many options I check into, I can never really know what's right. Honestly, I don't think anyone knows, professionals included. No one can seem to agree on anything, from diets to therapies to causes. No one can know for sure and yet lots of people have strong opinions that they will gladly beat you with. It's just hard. However, I don't doubt that God gave my Thomas to me for a reason. I love him with all I am. My patience threshold has become so high that it practically touches the clouds. Although, I do occasionally have my moments of breaking down. No matter what comes our way, I will never ever give up on my baby boy. I only hope that's enough in the end, even if I never feel like it is.
I take comfort in God's promise that through him I am enough. I take comfort in the knowledge that he is watching over us day and night. In fact, God used my son to bring me back to him. I'd forgotten who I was. Thomas reminded me through a "Veggie Tales" show on his ipad. He found it on his own and he would walk around the house singing, "God is the biggest!" It took me a while to figure out where he learned it, but when I did I was reminded that I don't have to do this alone. In much the same way that I discovered God mostly on my own as a child, my son did the same. I found him in a book, my son found him on an ipad. I had let life get so busy that I forgot who to call on. My son was having such a hard time learning how to speak or to even understand other's speech that I could not even fathom trying to teach him about God. May that never happen again. Ever since I've turned back to God, I've had more hope. Instead of staying awake at night trying to find the answers, I hand it to God for the night. I sleep and pick up my part the next morning. I am loosing nothing in the deal but I am gaining so much. Rest, assurance, love, and support. When I say, I can't do this, he whispers... "Oh, yes you can. Don't you know who you are? You belong to me and through me ALL things are possible." Nothing in this world has the same effect on my heart as that simple truth does. He's got me covered, but he also has Thomas covered. I can relax a little knowing that's true.
